A public brainstorming session, shall we? Let’s see.
I’ve had psychological struggles for most of my life. When looking over various disorders and potential mental illnesses, I fully identify with Borderline Personality Disorder. I don’t necessarily see it as a disease or “mental illness”. Although I do have some serious shit with me, I see it as a lacking of order in my psyche. I’ve been studying some views on BPD, and I have watched some YouTube videos of individuals that “suffer” from this condition. Some are medicated heavily, others are stuck trying to find the right therapist and then there’s me – self-diagnosed because I refuse to be deemed something more severe for the sake of some “doctor” over-medicating me and self-treated through long walks and artwork. I know what some may be thinking, “You just want to be crazy. This is a clear cry for attention!” Well, I have had issues with abandonment which may have left me to make a few random attempts at getting someone’s attention, but no, I don’t “want” to be crazy.
From suicidal moments and continuous thoughts to feelings of unworthiness and extreme mood swings, it’s safe to say that I’m a little off my rocker. As a person that has always gotten herself through various emotional and psychological trials, I do often feel very lonesome – I swear no one cares. There are a few that do care, but I simply cannot articulate what is going on within to those people. Sometimes it’s fear of judgement, and other times it’s a feeling of being an extra burden to an already troubled soul. I have been a strong-hold for myself and many other over the years, and it has taken its toll bit by bit over time. Spiritually, I am tired. Mentally, I am confused. Emotionally, I am often dead, and my moods often fluctuate – dramatically and quickly.
Some have misinterpreted BPD as being borderline psychotic – there was a time when I thought this as well – but the term “borderline”,in my opinion, is more so walking the fine line between manic and depressant. BPD’ers can be confused with those with bipolar “disorder” due to extreme mood swings, but I feel that BPD’ers simply can control themselves just enough to keep from crossing the line into bipolar. Why not go to a shrink? Why not seek “help”? Since the age of twelve, when I first had a suicidal moment, I felt that no one could really help me. I knew that someone sitting in a chair, analyzing me to be able to label me and give me meds was not the answer, so I turned to my writing. I have written poetry and various forms of personal and emotional, even psychological, expressions since the age of eleven, and this has been a gateway to allow me to cope. I am able to cope with day-to-day life and more dramatic instances. I can take comfort in sharing my thoughts and knowing that someone somewhere may be feeling the same way and that my expression can help someone else to not feel so alone, although I always feel like the outcast.
I have also had extreme experiences with irritability and anger. When I’m angry – I’m irate! I throw things and break them, and I can be very destructive. I have been physically violent with those I have had relationships with, and I have even been verbally abusive as well; there was a time when my favorite line to someone was “die in your sleep”, and my justification for saying it was “at least I want them to go peacefully”. Ha! What karma do I have coming to me?! I can usually walk off my bursts of anger, but I often prefer to break something. LOL!
Although I have briefly listed some of my experiences, this is far from a full list of what I have done and been through. So, I am considering putting together a text that will give full detail of what I have dealt with, how I have dealt with it and how I have grown and changed over time. I have become more spiritual – after losing faith in religious dogma – and I have been able to find a truth about life, the universe and myself that has liberated me from my own spiritual purgatory in many ways. However, I still have moments where I do not know what is real. The psychiatric world calls this “zoning out”, and yes, I can agree with that, but it’s not necessarily a negative thing. Between my dreams that literally manifest as played out in my mind and my own overall gnosis that is coming into view, I feel that I may be ascending into a different dimension from most other mundane individuals – or just becoming more aware of the fact that I may already be in another dimension. This is a very delicate subject for me, and it is going to be one hell of a project to take on, but I do love a challenge!
So tell me, are you ready to see what is really going on inside of me? Because I am surely ready and willing to tell it all!