To purify, to burn – the lessons that are to be learned. To chill to drive, to continuously go on and strive. What is life? What is sanity? What is real? What is humanity? I am a person, an individual, and yet I am still a part of the greater collective. What is most important though – most important to know – is that I am love. I am an immense bundle of love that has no end. I have pent up a lot of my sensitive and loving energy in hopes of protecting myself from the mundane world. I spent most of my life trying to fight off the negativity that was forced upon me, only to be in constant battle mode. Now, I face the challenge of being myself and truly living my own philosophy.
Yes, I know I am sensitive, I am emotional, and many others have been able to see this side. But the world at large has been exposed to a me that is not so nice, not always respectful, and surely not always pleasant to be around. To put it simply, the world at large does not truly know me – even those closest to me don’t really know me. I have been a defensive bitch for so long that I have deceived even myself into believing that this is who I am, but it’s not.
I am full of love, and my flood gate has been opened. An event took place recently that has left me more vulnerable than I have ever felt, and I want to close the flood gate – I want to forget the whole experience – but I feel that I have to make a different choice. Whilst I usually take comfort in forgetting what I have felt and bottling myself back up, I have come to realise that I am tired of doing that. Actually, I am tired PERIOD! I am tired of being angry, sad, alone, shunned, bitchy, condescending, and an overall asshole.
For a while, I took comfort in being a asshole. I loved being as mean and insulting as possible. I took pride in using my intellect and wits to the disadvantage of another person’s ego. I was self-righteous. I felt that no one could tell me anything. I could virtually do no wrong. Over the past few years, I have worked to transform myself. I have wanted to no longer be alienated. I wanted to look and feel different, but I often feared not having the resources for such change or being able to truly thrive and enjoy the way I was going. Being surrounded by those who enjoyed the bitch and loved my “darker side” did not make things any easier. When I wanted to be light, I was still stuck in a world of darkness and it as comfortable for me. Even recently, within the past year, I have wanted to hold on to that darkness and dwell in it, as it provided such comfort. Now – now I embrace true evolution of my Self – my soul.
A change needs to be made for the better – from the way I dress to the way I think. I need to truly Be Thyself and be my own philosophy. Live and be me. I spent a portion of my life finally accepting myself. I was finally happy with myself – a sarcastic bitch that made people laugh. Yes, I knew my flaws and I could care less about them because I was happy with myself and that was all that mattered. I was consumed by my own Super Ego. However, there is more to personal evolution than acceptance of Self; there is also a need to continuously improve oneself. There is also the need to give and receive love. It is true that we need to love ourselves, but if we build up that abundance of love within ourselves and do not allow that love to flow from us to another, then we become overwhelmed with that feeling and still feel lonely. There is such thing as “too much of a good thing”.
Humanity is made of love. We need love. We need to give love and receive love. There has to be a constant flow of unconditional love, to ourselves and to one another. What happened to the days when we would love and accept one another – flaws and all? Why does it seem to be so hard to recognize our own faults and be willing to not only work on ourselves, but also work together to better each other? How have we become to engulfed in our egos that constructive criticism is negative and can do no good? When we allow our love to flow and live in a state of love, the possibilities of our lives are endless. The possibilities of our relationships are endless. The possibilities of our Selves and what we can do are endless. So we must love – I must love. This is the beginning of a new stage of my life – being my true self. I am a gentle bundle of love that seeks to love and be loved, and I plan on doing just that.